Now that we got the Bio101 lecture out of the way, let’s get into the personal nitty-gritty details on coffee enemas.
Why or When I do Coffee Enemas
Constipation: Apologies for the TMI. But, you know that feeling when you get back from a long weekend or vacation, where you had a little too much fried food/nachos/dessert (& not enough greens/fiber) and you find yourself a little backed up? Or if you struggle with GI issues, such as IBS or SIBO, that come with irregular bowel movements and bloating issues... Then, you know what I’m talking about! For me, nothing beats constipation as effectively as a coffee enema. It works far better than any other antidote I have tried: probiotics, magnesium supplements, fiber-rich foods like prunes / dates, etc. I was nearing the point of considering oral laxatives (or worse, suppositories)... Thank goodness I discovered enemas before that!
Hangovers: When I wake up feeling like staying in my PJs all day in self-confinement within a narrow radius of bed-couch-deliveryfood for the rest of the day, I know I need to do a coffee enema. Not only does it get rid of my headache and nausea, I usually end up feeling so refreshed that I’ll just get up and go about my day.
Social Events: Here, let me spill the beans (heh). Before an important social event or photo-op, it’s common to book nail and hair appointments. Some girls will also book a facial, which can go for roughly $100 or more depending on add-on services. But what I will do instead, is start adding regular enemas to my schedule ahead of the glow-up D-Day.
Self-care: It might sound weird at first, but enema-time is one of my favorite types of me-time. There’s something ritualistic about brewing the coffee and setting up the enema kit. It’s just like how some people find baking to be a therapeutic activity, except an enema comes with healing properties for both the body and the mind and none of the extra calories. For enema-me-time, I will usually light some palo santo, make my bathroom floor more cozy with a pillow and sheepskin throw, and play some zen 432Hz music.
How I feel after a Coffee Enema
Cleansed: As one would expect, I always feel light as a feather afterwards. **GRAPHIC CONTENT ALERT** When you see the gunk that comes out, you will feel an odd je-ne-sais-quoi satisfaction, similar to when squeezing an over-ripe pimple (which, yes, I know derms tell us not to!).
Sharp: Imagine when the fog lifts and you can suddenly see the horizon in crystal-clear focus. This is the kind of post-enema mental acuity I experience, which is why I like to do them as a hangover cure.
Energized: In addition to feeling sharp, I feel super energized after my enemas. I used to mistakenly attribute this to caffeine, until I realized that it doesn’t come with any of the post-caffeine crash or jitters. Instead, it’s more of a general mood enhancer -- similar to the post-workout feel-good vibes.
Glow-up: I can really see my skin clear up after regular enemas. In lieu of the superficial gloss from a facial or a good face mask, I’m talking more of a glow that comes from within and makes my skin tone brighter. This might sound strange, but the whites of my eyes look whiter too. Basically, it’s like having a permanent Snapchat filter.
How-to | Supplies
Enema Kit: I highly recommend purchasing a kit (rather than the individual discrete pieces) for not only convenience, but also to ensure that the parts all fit and function properly.
Mine is from Purelife
There are many other cheaper options on Amazon
Given that you’re inserting the enema into a highly sensitive and absorbent area, choose products made of stainless steel or glass (for the bucket), and medical-grade silicone (for the hose and nozzle). Avoid using any products made of plastic!
Premium Organic Coffee: The coffee trade is unfortunately pretty un-regulated (at least in the US), which increases the chances of your beans having traces of toxic pesticides and/or mold. Choose organic beans coffees, ideally specifically made for enemas.
My ground coffee was included in the Purelife enema kit
Bulletproof sells high-quality coffee grounds
Amazon has cheaper options
Non-tap Water: Depending on where you live, tap water may still have traces of chemicals such as chlorine. For your enemas, use distilled or spring (drinking) water.
I stock up on the gallon-sized spring waters from Whole Foods
Lubricant: Organic virgin coconut oil works well.
How-to | Instructions
Cooking the potion: Instructions for single-use.
Step 1: In 3 cups of water, add 2-3 tablespoons of coffee. Boil for 5 minutes. Simmer for 15 minutes.
Step 2a: Remove from heat and let the liquid cool (usually takes about 15 minutes).
Step 2b: While you wait, set up the enema bucket by connecting the hose and the nozzle. Wash the whole kit with soap and hot water. Let hot water run through the hose a couple of times.
Step 3: Make sure the clasp is locked! Strain the coffee into the bucket (ensuring no grounds make it into the liquid). Test temperature with pinky finger; if too warm, wait.
Setting up the mise-en-scène: Most convenient location would be the bathroom (for easy access to the toilet).
Step 4: Set up your bathroom floor or bathtub by laying a towel and pillow. Place the bucket on the sink countertop. Optional: candles / music / anything that makes you zen.
Step 5: To get rid of air bubbles, make sure you place the nozzle over the sink, then unlock the clasp for a quick second to let the liquid run through the hose and eliminate air.
The deed: For best results, do your enema on an empty stomach and after a bowel movement.
Step 6: Coat the nozzle with coconut oil.
Step 7: Get into position (lying on your side or quadruped) Insert the nozzle slowly. Holding the clasp in one hand, unlock the clasp and let the liquid flow in. You can control the flow with the clasp.
Step 8: Once all of the liquid is in, you can remove the nozzle. Hold the enema liquid for 10-15 minutes. You can change positions (left side, on your back, right side) to help the liquid move up the colon.
Step 9: Once time is up, go to the toilet.
Step 10: Wash entire enema kit with soap and hot water (like Step 2b). Let nozzle soak in soap water (with hydrogen peroxide, if available).
How-to | Tips
Pre-made: If you plan on doing enemas more frequently than weekly, you might want to save some time by pre-making a concentrate and refrigerating it in a glass jar. Then, when you want to do an enema, pour out some pre-made concentrate into the enema bucket and add warm water and you’ll be ready to go.
Time: Make sure you have plenty of time before you decide to do an enema. There’s nothing worse than having to rush through the process.
Temperature: It’s very important that the enema liquid is the right temperature. You will cause serious damage to your rectum and colon if it’s too hot. If too cold (just out of the fridge), you might get cramps. The sweet spot is room / body temperature. An easy way to check is to dip your pinky in the liquid and see if it feels comfortable.
Empty Stomach: It will be easier to hold the enema in if you haven’t had a meal before. It is also easier if you have already had a bowel movement.
Air Bubbles: Don't skip Step 5. Otherwise, you might end up feeling gassy and bloated after the enema.
Breathe: When you’re holding the enema, there will definitely be waves of discomfort, where you feel like you HAVE to go to the toilet. Just keep your focus on deep breaths and the moment should pass. Sometimes, it’s nice to listen to a podcast or another form of distraction to take your mind off of the urge to the bathroom
Hydrate: Enemas can be dehydrating. Make sure you drink plenty of liquids before and after. Sometimes, I add salt to my water to make sure I’m replenishing electrolytes.
Binders: Some people may experience signs of toxicity such nausea and dizziness from the release of toxins out of tissues into the bloodstream. I have not personally experienced this, but heard from others that they were able to prevent these side-effects by taking binders such as activated charcoal prior an enema (so the toxins sticks to the binder, instead of being released into the bloodstream).
After-Care: Similar to fasting, what you do after an enema matters. For example, I wouldn’t go from doing an enema to drinking alcohol right away. Your liver has worked hard, so give it some love by consuming hydrating foods and liquids!
Hope these tips helped! I genuinely believe everyone would benefit from adding coffee enemas to their self-care routine <3.